What should have been
I know that some readers will think of this as an overshare- so I welcome them to skip this post. However, when I relaunched this blog I wanted it to be a more open and accurate part of my life, and if I am going to be honest (with myself and all of you), I need to let you know that today is bittersweet. This was supposed to be my due date for my first pregnancy. After months of tests and hormones and bloodwork- we were finally pregnant! David and I were ecstatic. We spent Thanksgiving, Hanukkah and Christmas amongst family and friends - just the two of us keeping this wonderful little secret. And then just before New Year’s we found out something had gone wrong, that our dream was over. It was hard on each of us in different ways. My heart was broken and I felt lost for a long time. I think David felt sadness, but also an inability to protect me from pain and hurt.
I will not dwell on loss for very long, partially because I educated myself on the issue and learned not only why this happens but also how common it is. More importantly, because we came out of this experience as a stronger and more bonded couple. But ultimately, I think it’s because we have so much to look forward to and be thankful for today. We have a healthy baby on the way and a beautiful new house to move into.
There are so many wonderful things we have to forward to, yet, I also want to recognize my feelings about what was supposed to have happened today. I'd be lying if I didnt admit to thinking about what should have been. I also want to thank David for his unconditional love, tenderness and support during what was a difficult time for him as well.
During this time, I found an incredibly supportive network of women online whose stories gave me great comfort. Now, this is a lot more religious than I usually get, but I have always been very spiritual and I especially connected with a particular story on a Chabad website. I thought I’d share part of it today; it was posted by a woman who had unfortunately suffered a few miscarriages. After one of her losses, her rabbi taught her this lesson.
He explained how every soul that is brought into this world comes for a very specific reason and serves a very special purpose. We live our lives to fulfill this mission and it takes each individual a different amount of time, along a unique and specific journey to complete the mission.
In addition to new souls that come into this world, there are also reincarnated souls that come into this world to complete what they hadn’t been able to in their previous lives. Sometimes these souls need to live a full lifetime, others for just a few years, and others for only a few months, even at times just a few days. Then there are the souls that need so little to complete their mission, that their soul only needs to come into a body long enough to beat its heart or simply create a pregnancy. These are the highest of all the souls--the souls of the truly righteous and pure whose mission took so little to complete.
While the story did not take away my pain/ hurt/ feelings of loss- this lesson gives what happened to me some meaning, and in some way made it easier to live with. Like this woman, I pray for myself and for others to only have pregnancies/ births/ babies/ children that have so much to accomplish that they live long and full lives, but in a strange way, I also feel fortunate to know that my loss was not for nothing. I was chosen, for one reason or another, as the conduit to aid a very holy soul in its vital and final mission. And that comforts me immensely.
During this time, I found an incredibly supportive network of women online whose stories gave me great comfort. Now, this is a lot more religious than I usually get, but I have always been very spiritual and I especially connected with a particular story on a Chabad website. I thought I’d share part of it today; it was posted by a woman who had unfortunately suffered a few miscarriages. After one of her losses, her rabbi taught her this lesson.
He explained how every soul that is brought into this world comes for a very specific reason and serves a very special purpose. We live our lives to fulfill this mission and it takes each individual a different amount of time, along a unique and specific journey to complete the mission.
In addition to new souls that come into this world, there are also reincarnated souls that come into this world to complete what they hadn’t been able to in their previous lives. Sometimes these souls need to live a full lifetime, others for just a few years, and others for only a few months, even at times just a few days. Then there are the souls that need so little to complete their mission, that their soul only needs to come into a body long enough to beat its heart or simply create a pregnancy. These are the highest of all the souls--the souls of the truly righteous and pure whose mission took so little to complete.
While the story did not take away my pain/ hurt/ feelings of loss- this lesson gives what happened to me some meaning, and in some way made it easier to live with. Like this woman, I pray for myself and for others to only have pregnancies/ births/ babies/ children that have so much to accomplish that they live long and full lives, but in a strange way, I also feel fortunate to know that my loss was not for nothing. I was chosen, for one reason or another, as the conduit to aid a very holy soul in its vital and final mission. And that comforts me immensely.
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