Backdated post- May 10, 2010: Knocked Up

Knocked Up!

I knew it! Yippeeee. We are preggers. This two week wait felt like forever. With a whole lot of support and encouragement from an extremely wonderful and patient husband, and after pumping myself full of what seems like enough hormones to fill an Olympic-sized swimming pool, through the miracle of science there is something finally growing in there!!!!

I have about a million emotions coursing through me right now… relief and excitement and gratefulness and exhilaration and feelings I don’t even have words for just yet. But seriously. Dude. Thank goodness. Because if I wasn’t pregnant- after all that crying and sleeplessness and being a completely irrational human being these last two weeks- I think David was ready to drive me straight to the loony bin. I kid of course; David is a friking saint for putting up with my particular brand of crazy these last couple of days. I can’t wait to go home and see him!!

Backdated post- May 7, 2010: The Waiting Is The Hardest Part

The Waiting Is The Hardest Part

Dude. Tom Petty Was Right, The Waiting Is The Hardest Part. To say I’ve been emotional this week would be an understatement. Of colossal proportion. Also? Babies are stalking me. No joke. Everywhere I turn… BABIES! I have another few days before I will know for sure, but if I’m not pregnant, the universe is playing some kind of mean-ass joke on me.

It's been pretty nice out these days, and with David working downtown- we've been going out on Friday nights in DC. Tonight after work, David and I walked around Eastern Market and had dinner at this cute French bistro. On the walk from the market to the restaurant, we passed another restaurant that was holding a children’s music event. There were a zillion families with babies ranging from itty bitty to about kindergarten age all singing and clapping and eating and having fun. It was adorable but whoa-thats-a-whole-lotta-babies and another reminder of how much we want to be a part of that group ourselves. My uterus literally ached watching them… or… was that an implantation cramp? As we ate dinner at the bistro’s outdoor patio, families departing from the event walked by and I lost count at 50 babies.

Seriously, babies are stalking me. Don’t believe me? There's even a movie called 'Babies' coming out this month and their aggressive marketing campaign has shown up in as ads in my newspaper, articles my magazines and commercials on my TV programs. I see babies on the metro smiling at me, at Costco and even at work. GAH! Yes... I realize it’s normal to see children in public but I swear the sheer number of babies I have seen this week is unreal. I swear it's a conspiracy. There had better be something going on in there.

Backdated post- April 26, 2010: IUI Day!

IUI Day!

Today was my insemination. This afternoon, in my fashion-forward paper gown and the comfy pink socks I brought from home, I had a ‘date’ with one of my favorite nurses and a very important syringe (hey, at least it wasn’t a turkey baster). Hopefully, she and I just made a baby. It’s actually kind of funny- I left the office at 1:15 and by 2:45 I was back at my desk sending emails. The whole world keeps on going around me as if nothing is happening, but I just know (hope) there is a tiny miracle going on inside of me.

I’m glad we took a little break after January. I needed time to get myself together and mentally prepare for this round, which actually wasn’t as bad as I thought it was going to be. Maybe that is due to the break… who knows. I responded well to the Follistim, and my sonogram yesterday showed that I have a few really good follicles. This isn’t exactly how I envisioned starting a family, it’s not the romantic way I always dreamed things would go. But my perspective is that we don’t have any control over the cards we are dealt, so we make a plan and we play the hand the very best way we can. Besides, I have a feeling it’s all going to be worth it.

As I write this, I feel reflective but also very hopeful. I hope this insemination works. I hope our baby is healthy and happy and smart and talented. I hope our parents and friends are not hurt when they find out we’ve been keeping this from them. I feel lucky that David and I can afford this, that my insurance covers a lot of it, that science has come so far, that our relationship is strong enough to endure this, and that my work hours are flexible enough for me to go through it all relatively unnoticed. More than anything, I feel lucky to have a partner who has been supportive of me and all of my (admittedly sometimes completely irrational) emotions. This experience has strengthened our commitment to each other and to having a family. I have faith in G-d and in the marvels of modern medicine. I am sure we will reach our goal of starting a family soon- I hope it’s all beginning right now.

Beshaah Tovah

As we’ve started telling people about being pregnant, we have received a ton of excited congratulations, questions about whether or not I’m going to find out the sex of the baby, when am I due, where I am registered, etc.

One topic that often comes up is baby showers. A lot of people are surprised to hear that Jewish women don’t have baby showers. I always knew that it was mostly based on superstition- a “don’t count your chickens before they are hatched” kind of idea, but I wanted to learn more so I found this article which I found useful.

It basically says that as exciting as becoming pregnant is, nothing has really happened; pregnancy is a potential that is yet to be fulfilled. We would not throw a party for someone who had a good idea but has not yet followed it through. Traditionalists don't celebrate a pregnancy and will not even say Mazel Tov when a pregnancy is announced. Instead, they say Beshaah Tovah- which translates to “all should proceed at the right time.” Very religious/superstitious women believe it is not tznius (modest) to announce a pregnancy.

OK, so maybe my blogging isn't exactly modest but I'm new to all of this and I'm trying to find the right path between traditional and modern Judaism. I guess a baby shower is out, and I’m not going to run out and hire a decorator for the nursery just yet. Still, I think it’s perfectly ok to be excited about a really really good idea.

Wherein she returns to blogging....

Where do I even start? I’ve been away from the blog for a while now. Have you missed me? I’ve missed you! There have been many wonderful things to write about these last several months—vacations, weddings, birthdays, holidays, celebrations—but also something that David and I chose to keep private, and I didn’t feel right blogging about our lives while omitting this journey we were on together. So I took a break for a bit.

But now it’s time to share our story and be open and candid with everyone. So here it is: For the last year and change, we’ve been going through fertility treatments in order to start a family. Looking back, it seems a little silly to not have shared what we were going through with our friends and family, but as we began this experience we decided to keep it quiet. I was embarrassed about my infertility. I was uncomfortable with the thought of answering questions or having to share disappointing news over and over again. I was unsure how long the process would take and how emotional it would be. So we kept it quiet. I realized this could possibly hurt people who love us when they found out we had been keeping something so major from them, but I also hoped they would understand how difficult and delicate this has been at times for us, and we felt the fewer people involved the better.

I am not going to spend a lot of time here talking about what we did or why we did it, and I am not asking for anyone’s pity or sympathy or forgiveness. So many women have had a more difficult time than I did conceiving. It took trying three different medications / hormones, but today I am happy to report that I have been successfully knocked up. What?! Really?! Yep, I’m pregnant! Way to bury the lede, huh? David and I are going to have a baby!!

We are excited! We are thrilled! We are more than a little bit nervous. But more than anything else, we are so very happy to finally share our news. As I said above, I want to be completely honest here in this space. David and I actually had a successful insemination and got pregnant this past winter, but I lost the pregnancy shortly after New Years. It was an incredibly painful and heartbreaking thing to experience, but ultimately we came out of it more committed than ever to having a family and to each other. It may be poor taste to talk about a miscarriage on a blog for the whole world to read. But it’s my blog and it’s my outlet. I found some incredibly useful and comforting words online these last several months – on other womens’ blogs, on bulletin boards, etc. And I feel that if my story brings comfort to someone out there reading this site, then it will have been worth it to publish it.

So back to the celebration. Today I am 19 weeks and 2 days. To answer your (likely) questions: No, we don’t yet know if we are having a boy or a girl, and I’m actually not sure I want to know. I feel great, there are definitely moments of feeling not-so-great but I guess that comes with the territory. I am estimated to be due around January 15th. Hmmm what else… the successful cocktail was 75IU of Follistim and I absolutely adore the folks at George Washington University Medical Faculty Associates Fertility Center.

Before I forget, I want to thank David for his unconditional love, tenderness and support during the last year. I wasn’t always someone you’d WANT to spend the rest of your life with. He was supportive when I needed encouragement, understanding when I felt lost, tender when I was hurting and a source of strength when I felt defeated. I am so fortunate to have him as my partner on this journey; he is my beloved and my strength.

After a few months of not blogging, I wasn’t sure I would ever re-launch the site, but I began writing out my thoughts and feelings throughout the process as an emotional outlet. I even videotaped a few moments here and there for posterity. When I was nervous about giving myself an injection for the first time, I went on YouTube and found videos of all these couples who had taped and posted their first attempt with injectables. It was sweet and inspiring, and they gave me courage and comfort. I won’t be posting my injectable videos, but I will begin posting some of my other videos and thoughts soon.

The last three years of Life As An E has been a mix of weekend and vacation recaps, recipes, silly stories I found amusing and narratives and photos of family gatherings, holidays and parties. As I continue to rework the blog I’m sure I will continue many of the same posts, but I will also chronicle my experiences and thoughts during the pregnancy as well as back-dated entries from our journey through fertility treatments, loss, love and luck.

I will begin posting the older entries soon, but in the meantime, here is a picture of our little Baby E-To-Be.



And here is me!